I am a people pleaser. Scratch that. I used to be a people pleaser. I loved gathering advice because I didn’t think I could make good decisions for myself. This was because I didn’t know enough of about myself.
After years of making misguided decisions, I decided that I take the risk of learning about myself and making decisions for myself. Since then I have learnt five very important things about relationships. Here they are in no special order of importance.
1. People may have your best interest but doesn’t mean they make the best decisions for you.
This advice came from my experience with my own family. Often the case is that your family loves you a lot and they want you to be safe and secure. As a result, they make decisions for you that keep you in their comfort zone. However, choosing safety and security over everything else doesn’t result in a vibrant and fulfilling life. Take advice from your friends/family/support system but take it as it as - just an advice it's up to you make the decisions. Plus, choosing a safe a secure option for now doesn’t mean it always going to be a safe and secure forever option. In a person’s lifetime, there is always going to be layoffs, financial crises, health issues, and crazy bosses.
2. Depend on people but always have your own back.
Relationships are wonderful. There’s all this love, trust, and support. However, just like life relationships are not perfect. There are the trademark ups, downs, and the boring plateaus. Great relationships turn sour, you have to leave and sometimes we end up in the wrong circles. If we don't have the option to be independent we end up staying in relationships that keep us miserable.
Being able to support yourself financially and emotionally will help you make your own decisions and follow your dreams without having to grovel for it from someone that you rather not. Also, if you are able to meet all your needs you'll be able to choose relationships because you want it, not because you need it.
3. You can choose the people around you.
We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. So, if you want to be happy, chase your dreams, and do good things, work on surrounding yourself with people who are support you and are like-minded, and spend less time to people who are hurtful and keep you stuck.
It seems harsh but we have limited amount of time and we really don't have time for everyone, so might as well be selective about it. Break up with any person who doesn’t respect you, this includes friends/bosses/partners/family. This is where the ability to be financially and emotionally independent is helpful.
Note: This does not mean you can’t be nice to everyone you meet. Always be kind and nice.
4. Make it your mission to know yourself better than anyone
The longest relationship you have in this life is with yourself. Therefore, if you don’t know what you like and what you don’t, it’s hard to have a long, enduring and enjoyable relationship. That means we need to be continuously working on getting to know ourselves as we go as we go through life.
We learn the most about ourselves the when we push our boundaries and learn new things. Go and do things that you like, try new things, spend time alone in order figure what you want from life. Spend quality time with yourself and treat yourself like as you would with someone you love. Don't forget yourself.
5. Be yourself
Once you have a solid understanding of what you want out of life and where you stand in that plan, be yourself. Why? Because if you want to meet people who like you for who you are and support you have to show who you truly are. Plus it is so much simpler than pretending to be someone. There are better things to do than pretending to be someone you are not.
What would you add to the list? Are you people pleaser? How do you cope? What toxic relationship behaviors and circumstances do you try to avoid? Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
With love and simplicity,